Four O'clock in the Morning

Something woke me out of a dream this morning at four A.M. Something I had been pushing down inside of me for many many months. Call it discontent if you will, but when I wake up in the middle of the night, frustrated about work things are wrong! Really wrong!

Not able to go to sleep I started to type. In the writing process it helps me organize thoughts. Four hours later I had composed a letter to the regional director of our facility. Now I had a decision. Do I rip this up and let it go? Or, do I take it to the next step and hand deliver it.

When I dragged myself into work this morning - and I mean drag, I needed some input from other staff members. We had been under scrutiny recently due to a recent suicide attempt on the unit and our boss was trying to finger those he felt were responsible - namely me - since I have more seniority and expertise in his eyes. Still people have experienced a rash of punitive measures and I felt included in this new and exciting club - if I do say so in jest. A coworker read this gem of a paper and thought it was brilliant of course. Well another one got angry because I had kind of implicated another nurse like her in the paper. Okay so I pointed my frustrated finger to be blunt. Hey it was four o'clock in the morning for God sakes.

Now I needed to weigh my response. Talk to the regional manager or take the paper to the shredder. The devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other. When I bumped into the regional manager the devil won out!

Of course the manager was nice - he likes me anyway and has always been kind. Why shouldn't he, in eight years my efforts have impressed many of the higher ups - in his own words - thank you very much. So he listened, said a few kind words, a few words of advise, promised nothing, and accepted my five page letter.

This is new for me. I have been a great duck and have let water roll off my back to this point, suddenly I was judging myself both positively and negatively. The positive was speaking my truth and sharing my feelings, the negative was anticipating the reaction from my immediate boss. Yes I have to work with him on a continual basis. This may breed something awkward - perhaps.

As I type this another coworker is reading a copy of said letter and enjoying it emensely. I feel a lot better with her reaction - since she too is a nurse.

Anyway this saga will continue I am sure. It makes for good blogging.

Peace